Jordan Harrison via Laura Klein via Gary Winter
CATHEDRAL BEAT
A seven-act play
1:00 AM
An iron fence labeled “Cathedral Bestiary
Gates.”
The ground is covered with peanut shells.
Pause.
Nine giraffes of different shapes and sizes stride by.
Pause.
The moon with its eyes closed.
A sign: “Female Cathedral Security Personnel
Only.”
The ground is covered with punch-clocks.
Pause.
Nine female security guards of different shapes and sizes enter.
MISS MARY is the one without black gloves.
GUARDS
Y Command: Emily! Sigla! Val!
One of the guards to sing like a bird.
One of the guards to sing like a bullfrog.
One of the guards to sing like a Valkyrie.
One of the guards to knit.
One of the guards to spit.
One of the guards to do the Funky Chicken.
One of the guards to do the Robot.
Pause.
One of these things is not like the others.
MISS MARY
I am not from this Earth.
GUARDS
Put on your Snoopy Hat!
Pause.
Mary puts on her Snoopy Hat.
Pause.
She turns to look at the sign. The colors of storm clouds approaching.
Across the street from the Cathedral, The Archangel
Michael has slain the Devil. The orange light from the Hungarian Pastry
Shop serves to distinguish bronze wings from gray sky. In a corner of
the empty shop, a broom and a dustpan are waiting.
PASTRY CHEF
(singing)
I see the Devil in my Stove
Blue eyes, red nose.
I see the Devil in my Stove
Yellow hair, sharp teeth.
The Devil’s disembodied head hangs just
beyond your vision.
The backseat of a white Ford Explorer.
Clearly, it has been taken advantage of.
Somewhere off, a song plays: “They make me feel better like I’m
drunk on a plane and have forgotten I’m afraid to fly…”
On the seat, a pair of black gloves.
The Hungarian Pastry Shop. Eight female security
guards exit,
One with a cruller
One with Bavarian Creme
One with a Napoleon
One with a French cruller
One with a bear claw
One with a macaroon
One with a cameroon
One with a scone.
A NIGHTHAWK has folded in on himself, perhaps
for protection.
NIGHTHAWK
(singing)
Policemen, some are t’in and some are fat.
The arrival of fresh pastries.
For a moment, neither of us can move.
The sign: “Female Security Personnel Only.”
Nine giraffes of different shapes and sizes stride by.
(Note: The same giraffes that were used in Act One may not be reused
in this scene for the sake of economy.)
The tiniest giraffe to stop and lick a leaf. Tongue shocking blue.
The Cathedral Bestiary gates, quite ajar.
A handwritten sign: “Dedicated to the glory of God.”
MISS MARY bites into a blintz.
The sun basking in its own glory.
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